In between things, Im left with myself, my thoughts, getting trapped in the internet searching for trash. In between waiting for results to validate me, in between waiting to deinstall an exhibition. In between shifts at work and waiting for my placement to start properly.
This is a large painting about a meter tall. I started it in the summer using house paint, spray paint and varnish on a pallet.
It is an ongoing a self supervision piece. When I am feeling the need to be creative I add something to it, or take something away. Today I added a lot, then took some away.
It has been attacked over time with a drill, painted and stuck on. This is a known technique in the art psychotherapy field as a way of self supervising, I am influenced by an article where a single canvas is used over a long period of time. This is a response art, an out let, a way of letting go, a way of seeing and learning about ones own processes.
What I am finding through this experience, is that continuing the same piece of art work comes with a fantasy of what it might become. I ease my nervous feelings of jumping into the unknown by having a design in mind, one that never comes into fruition. I wrestle with the polarisation of excepting the shambolic outcome and feelings that it could be better and more thought through.
This is similar to some of the patterns I have in my life, I often jump into things without refining details thinking that it will work out ok. However, it doesn't always, sometimes its good and other times its a catastrophe.
The next question is, do I change and become someone who plans and has tidy outcomes or do I except this is who I am? Is acceptance enough, or do I reshape myself? Am I already reshaping?